TANTAN AND I: PART THREE

Irreparable Content to you all.

I bring you the dm’s, as promised. However, you won’t get them immediately, but wait you can just scroll down and look upon my terrible conversation skills. But! But! I need you to understand something first. Under no circumstances was I looking for anything in this app. That is to say my pure innocent self was not here thirsting it off like a dog right before dinner, or a she-hyena right after the pride of lions eat the meal, or anything within that geographical reference. I had dumbed myself down in a way that spells kindness. Even my responses were shallow.

Plus most guys can’t have a solid and worthwhile conversation with me. I’m just that complicatedly unreachable, even to myself sometimes. But I tried. Minion told me to be nice right before I began, because right before I started he called. Or did I call? I think I called and he asked me on behalf of the male species to be kind. This was not a praying mantis type of tale where the female eats the male. You can tell I’ve been watching nat-geo lately.

I feel enlightened in the ways of the shark.

Let us begin. Oh and thank Minion that not everything was running at full capacity.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Tanning the Tan! A gameshow reserved just for wasting your time because what else do gameshows do other than spin wheels and make good tv! First on the wheel is the first dm-er… Oh wait, what’s this? TANTAN just…noooooooooo…Is TANTAN giving me some form of safety?

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Following strongly are the Generation X guys. Where the hell are the generation X girls and why are their male counterparts loitering here with lonely hearts and sober souls? What was I doing there in the first place anyway? Well… here’s a snippet of our conversation, it was just too easy to tease. I couldn’t help myself.

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Next!! We are finally graced by the presence of an older Indian guy. Please note he is married. why I talked to him? Because of you dear reader. I am putting myself in older-man-married-way-for-your-entertainment. Who remembers that Lorde song? Liability! 

The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
‘Til all of the tricks don’t work anymore
And then they are bored of me -Lorde, Liability. 

He started out well, that is, until, I truly questioned how naive I can be.See below. 

Disclaimer: I took out his picture because he might just be someone’s father and I don’t wanna be the ‘hot’ that destroys houses and marriages. Plus I took snippets of the texts for this one. They weren’t that interesting but you get the jist. 

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Number four is a group of ’em . They really don’t  know how to start a conversation, with a girl online that’s probably not going to share her birthday. Didn’t they have those ‘wonderful’ conversation skill classes in high school? I had. I even remember that epic time when my English teacher asked ‘Are you Satan?’ what he really meant was “Are you Certain?”. Sup Teach, during that one specific class. Moreover, this is an online platform. No one’s real. Maybe her name isn’t really Jennifer.

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Now follows the guys that seriously irk me to no end. I mean it’s nice and all but come on! Let’s tone it down a bit. I am not a second generation mermaid luring random men to steal their souls as they are enthralled by my beauty or in this case my unique-nature. Not to brag. Hehehehe. But these are the enthralled ones. The ones super surprised that I swiped right. That I’m even talking to them in the first place! Play it cool bruh! 

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The flirts from the parallel universe of Adonis. For those that don’t know Adonis, he was a beautiful mortal man and lover of the goddess Aphrodite. So when you hear someone saying Adonis, we’re looking at a 10. But when I say parallel universe of Adonis… Anyway, so these PUA’s (I wanted to do this) come at you with the same lines, as seen below. I have this principle, where I only receive compliments from people who matter, because those are the ones that actually really mean it. They see me as pretty, I know I’m hot, so they get the go-ahead. I ain’t beautiful anyway. Just pretty. Cats are beautiful! Didn’t see that coming huh? 

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Then I realized i was being too mean, so I decided to chill. Minion told me to chill. So I gathered my peppy self and sent out a friendly and super excited reply. I wish I hadn’t. He felt as though he had such a big heart, I just couldn’t run him over with a bus. I let this go.

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By the way, I am one of those girls not irritated by the ability of bad spelling, however, bad sentence structure… he’s lucky I was eating a sweet at that time and in a good mood. Life was going badly, but I found a piece of candy in my pocket. That’s when you know shit looks kinda good.

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This is the end of this three-part saga. I was tired when writing this so I think it doesn’t fulfill all the expectations. I feel as though I was being lenient even in my commentary. However, right before I go to sleep. I need you all to know. Not all the guys that were on here were ridiculous. There were some really nice guys on the app. So maybe just maybe TANTAN fulfilled whatever it had aimed to achieve for its user in the ad. I didn’t get to interact with a Chinese dude either…damn it *sips juice*.

I’m deleting my account now and bidding all those fair gentlemen goodbye.

There was this one guy though, he had abs for days! Goodbye abs for days. May you live forever. Goodbye to all the guys too. If any of you ever find this blog and think of a course of action, I suggest sharing it with your friends, families and wives. At least get me a following.

Irreparable Content everybody and good night.

GOODBYE TANTAN.

Regards,

WannaBeSage.INSTA

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