I downloaded the app. Readers, I downloaded the app. And paranoia kicked in five seconds later. Let’s start by saying… Tantan looks good. Very nice display. It’s orange so you’d think it’d come off with a bad aftertaste. But nope, the developers were on a role. They make it cute and give you this sense of security. Well… That sense of security lasted all but five seconds. The sign up part was on the screen and they needed one of two things to sign up. And it was not an email.
Now, I’ve repeatedly mentioned how paranoid I am. So you must know I have a pseudo email where I throw my useless try-once-run-later internet experiences. I call that email my Trump. I know what you’re thinking but you don’t know what I’m thinking so I won’t elaborate. Minion might know though. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii minion.
Another thing about me, I am picky AF. My right thumb swipes left so much it’s like it’s possessed by a ghost of left randomness. And to top it all off… TANTAN lets you see the other person’s zodiac sign. SUPERSTITION POWERS ARE GO!
Wait, before I jump into it. Let me start by saying this… I went into this app with the following expectations:
- This is a Chinese dating app, so probability of Kenyan guys on here is low. Expect South African or if it crosses the ocean… the app’s motherland, that is, China herself.
- I might not have solid proper conversations on here because… some helpful reddit users told me Chinese is a good thing to have on here.
- My privacy was still in question here
And so the following question that plagues me till now.
What the fuck are Kenyan guys doing on this app?
I have this grand idea now to change my IP address and phone number, just to see if TANTAN is fulfilling the promises it made in its ad! I can Google but where’s the fun in that? You can tell I really enjoyed doing this.
Yeah. Tantan was hooking up possibly single young Kenyan dudes. Thy was shooketh.
Back to my paranoia. The app wanted one of two things. Either my Facebook or my phone number. Here follows my train of thought.
- Facebook – do I really want my old Facebook pictures on the verge of public exposure?
- My number – do I want random phone calls at 3 a.m from stalker hackers whose first names started with Kim?
I decided to use my number. May my pictures burn in the Cambridge scandal. I call this tactic RISK ANALYSIS.
At first the app was a bit touchy in letting me in, I blamed it on our wifi, pressed the button again and I was in. I put a picture of myself because what’s the purpose of this blog post if not a full and not detailed report on my excursion? I believe my picture was good enough because once I put it out there and went to sleep, by morning I had 81 likes and midday was 753 likes. I think that’s a good number. Ha… Ha…
During the sign up the app asks you to input your likes, Ok Cupid. Who else gets this reference?
So I do, stuff to do with getting better matches, seeing matching interests with Virgos and Libras, no offense, I like Libras.Virgos though…
The app is showing me all kinds of stuff. Lists of movies I’ve simply watched trailers to. And I’m like… TANTAN, you’re trying to do the most but nah bruh… Genres are good enough, the lists looked like half done crispy on the side cookies. Then they asked for places you’ve visited and the Chinese provinces? I think, were first on the list and you’d expect all the countries would be on it. Nope. I had to add it. Usually, from user interfaces I’ve encountered, they cater for all. But this is a Chinese dating app. It was firstly not catered for the international market but its local users. So I’ll cut the developers some slack.
Back to swiping. I’m swiping based on zodiac signs. Phahahahahahahahaha. Signs to look out for are Scorpio, Cancer and maybe Taurus. I’m biased-ish. But I’m a girl, I’m allowed to change my mind when I want to. Plus I’m a Pisces, the best sign ever. Thus my TANTAN journey begins, the car is moving, I’ve fixed my rear view mirror like Taraji P. Henson in that movie where she’s called Mary and I’m wearing black leather pants… Yeah…this is going nowhere.
I know y’all want to read the dm’s but first let’s take a look at what TANTAN had to offer.
- There was no cute, heavenly, angelic, not gonna say plastic surgery Chinese guys making me remember that awesome Chinese drama… The General and I. It was beautiful drama by the way. What I got was this: (after thirty minutes of swiping left). What to even say at this point. He just revealed a side we didn’t want to know.
2.A lot of Muslim guys. Not that there’s anything wrong with Muslim guys but what were they doing there? Don’t they have a plan B that translates to arranged marriage?
Not gonna put pictures for this, they were just too many.
3.Thy Thirsty Ones and Could Possibly be Creepy.
4.The weird pictures. Tell me dear reader; is this a New York Time’s Best selling novel?
5.Thy Thirsty and Creepy ones with a touch of Jesus and could possibly milk it out.
6.The first Asian Guy I encountered.
7.What I really expected from the Asian guys on here 😂
It’s time for the DM’s dear reader.
Wanna Be Sage.